Published April 18, 2014 by anxietyofanactress

I couldn’t believe it; when it happened again.  I opened my eyes and realised instantly. My heart was racing.  I could feel my heart pumping hard inside my shaky body.  Tears of disappointment and embarrassment reached the corners of my still closed eyes.  I was lying on the floor, the stage floor.  The table leg was hiding part of my body away from the audience.  I was relieved but still so frustrated.  Why did it happen tonight?  The night I really wanted to shine….The night, Andy my boyfriend of nearly two years was sitting in the audience supporting me.  Supporting my aspirations to be an established Actress.

Here he was now; stroking my face while I wept pathetically reminding myself of yet another anxiety attack, an anxiety attack that took over my body and soul while I spoke out my monologue.  I felt crumbled.  The audience was only small but still they had paid for their tickets and I had given them a performance they would never forget.  I was even sitting down when I was performing; well at least I think I was, everything was a blur (where was Damon Alban when you needed him – I use humour to hide my insecurities).  There is a moment when I stand up from the table during my monologue but to be honest I don’t think I had reached that point yet.

Chris who played my son in the play nicknamed me the “Improv Queen” I liked that.  I was adding my own little twist to the role of Donna I played in each performance of the one week run.  I was enjoying myself each night but I have to say I was a little terrified each time but I thought that just added to the quality of my performance.

I didn’t use to be so nervous.  When I was in my late teens and early 20s; nothing scared me.  I could get on the stage and perform anything, whether it were bad, good or weird.  I didn’t care.  I was performing!  Now at 32 years old, I was a terrified and anxious lady who still loved acting but had something holding me back.  My confidence I guess.  I don’t know how I became like this.


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